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Helpful hookup advice for shy guys

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Amanda Marcotte responded with a...

Dating advice is outside the scope of this site, with this article being a semi-exception. Over the years several women have written me to tell me reading this site has helped them understand the actions of a shy guy they were pursuing. With that in mind I thought I'd try to be even more helpful and write a whole article outlining what it's like to be a man who's really shy and inexperienced with women.

At the end I give a few thoughts on what to do if there's a shy guy in your life you're interested in. Combined, the points below will Helpful hookup advice for shy guys a guy who's really, really inhibited and awkward around women. Not all shy men will have issues that intense or have every characteristic apply to them.

I'll list some quick suggestions at the end, but for the most part I'll describe the issues shy guys deal with and let you draw your own conclusions about how to act. As with all the other writing on this site, the points Helpful hookup advice for shy guys are from a mix of my own experience and accounts I've come across of how shy guys say they think.

I also wrote a follow up to this article on some of the unique issues shy women struggle with. I'll break this down further below, but their central problem is that they're just really anxiousscared, and inhibited around women. Almost all men get somewhat nervous when they have to ask a woman out, or kiss her, or even talk to her for the first time. But when a guy is really shy his nervousness is at a level where it usually Helpful hookup advice for shy guys him from doing any of those things.

It's legitimately strong, not something where they can just take a deep breath and push through it. Sometimes this nervousness shows up as the physical symptoms of anxiety. At other times it's more of a powerful, paralyzing hesitation. Like they know how they want to act, but an invisible force field is preventing them from doing so.

This Helpful hookup advice for shy guys mean feeling too anxious to start a conversation with an Helpful hookup advice for shy guys stranger they've just noticed at a party. It can also be longer term. Some shy guys, especially younger ones, have had a crush on someone for years and years, and have never worked up the nerve to talk to her.

The occasional time that someone they fancy talks to them first they often get too flustered, and the resulting brief conversation consists of some stuttered half-coherent answers on their part. That's not to say a shy guy won't sometimes be able to chat to someone he's into, but it's relatively rare. Sometimes they just won't get nervous Helpful hookup advice for shy guys someone for whatever mysterious reason.

At other time they Helpful hookup advice for shy guys force themselves to do it, but they're a total wreck inside the whole time. One problem that can plague shyer guys is that sometimes their nervousness doesn't appear when they first meet a girl, but comes back to bite them soon after. Initially they manage to come off as calm and charming and make a good impression, but then fall apart Helpful hookup advice for shy guys the stakes get higher.

The reason this happens is that when they first run into that women she's new and they haven't had time to overthink things and attach any nervous feelings to her yet. They'll come away from the interaction feeling excited and optimistic about where things may lead.

However now they have a reason to feel pressured and jittery around her, and that's exactly what happens. The scenario then goes in one of the following directions: They're too nervous to talk to her again; They do talk to her, but they're such a withdrawn, obvious wreck that she's not interested; They talk to her, but are Helpful hookup advice for shy guys nervous to be themselves, end up acting like a goofball, and shoot themselves in the foot; They're so nervous that at that immediate moment escaping the anxious symptoms takes precedence over anything else, and they act rude or aloof towards her to purposely sabotage their chance.

This 'setting them up, but not Helpful hookup advice for shy guys through' scenario can happen to different degrees. The first is when a guy simply sees a Helpful hookup advice for shy guys around a few times and makes confident eye contact with her. She seems attracted and intrigued and like she's waiting for the guy to approach her.

He sees this, gets nervous, and never conjures up the guts to speak to Helpful hookup advice for shy guys. Another variation is when a Helpful hookup advice for shy guys runs into a girl, say because he sits beside her in a lecture, chats to her for a bit, and comes off well. He can't work up the nerve to talk to her another time. A third scenario might be something more drawn-out, like a guy Helpful hookup advice for shy guys a few conversations with a girl he never really thought of as more than someone friendly to talk to.

He notices she seems like she's becoming attracted to him, and he blows things soon Helpful hookup advice for shy guys. Hanging out, going on a date, the idea is the same. Sometimes a guy will be able to talk to someone he's interested in, often because the circumstances put Helpful hookup advice for shy guys together, so the Helpful hookup advice for shy guys wasn't on him to approach anyone.

If they like someone they'll often feel too nervous to ask them out and face the awkwardness and risk of rejection that entails. They may never ask them out, or put it off so long that by the time they do they're well into the Friend Zone. Even with all of the above stacked against them, a shyer, inexperienced guy will sometimes have enough things go their way that they end up in a position where they're alone with a woman and want to 'make a move' on them e.

Unsurprisingly, they're really nervous and hesitant about this as well. Same general discomfort and risk of rejection.

2. Other People Are Shy,...

They may have a blatant, all-systems-go opportunity where the girl is clearly interested, but they can't manage to go through with it. There they are, sitting on a couch watching a movie with their date when the credits start to roll. She turns to face him, looking into his eyes expectantly. He returns her gaze and pauses for a moment, and a little longer, and a bit longer still Afterward he's kicking himself for being so spineless. He was trying to work up the nerve to kiss her all evening, and kept wondering if now was the right time to do it, but in the end he couldn't pull the trigger.

One key fear guys have in this situation is if they're sexually inexperienced they're worried their embarrassing secret will be outed, and they'll be humiliated. They may think something like, "I've never kissed a girl. I don't know what I'm doing. What if she can tell I've never done this before?

And when you're really inexperienced yourself it seems that's pretty much every woman. Part of this comes from a belief that no girl would be interested in a shy guy if she's had already had a few boyfriends. It also goes back to Helpful hookup advice for shy guys point I mentioned in the last paragraph about them fearing their inexperience being outed. This hinders a shy guy in two ways. First, they'll often rule out more obviously experienced girls as prospects. Only harmless, innocent-seeming girls don't arouse their fears.

But there are only so many women out there who are just Helpful hookup advice for shy guys shy, Helpful hookup advice for shy guys, and inexperienced as them, so it really cuts down their possibilities, and makes them put that much more pressure on themselves when they do find one who fits Helpful hookup advice for shy guys description. Secondly, Helpful hookup advice for shy guys they're into a girl, and she seems into them, and she says something that draws attention to her comparatively higher level of experience e.

She seems a lot more daunting now. And they figure, why would she want him? She has experience, he doesn't.

It's never work out. With time many anxious guys can slowly face their fears and gain enough experience with the opposite sex that they're not as held back by their anxiety as they used to be. They can start dating like everyone else. However, they may always have a tougher time of it than some men. They're often late bloomers, since their nerves and general social awkwardness kept them from getting into the game as early as everyone else.

It also covers Helpful hookup advice for shy guys to avoid awkward silence, attract amazing friends, and why you don't need an "interesting life" to make interesting conversation.

With that in mind I...

Click here to go to the free training. When a guy is shy and not confident about women insecure thoughts often flow through their heads in an effortless stream; "I'm hopeless.

I'll never get better. I suck with women.

1. Social Skills Can be...

I'm not good looking enough. There's no way that girl at work actually likes me. I totally screwed up with her the other day when I made that dumb joke. It's all Helpful hookup advice for shy guys self-sabotaging. First, a lack of confidence isn't all that attractive. Next, they can be hyper-alert for any signs of rejection, and almost eager to conclude the worst. For example, if they're casually chatting to a girl and she mentions a TV show that he doesn't like, he may get deflated and think, "Ah man, she likes that show?

There's no way she'll be into me now. Dammit, another prospect hasn't panned out. Story of my life. I'll never meet anyone.

A lot of what I've mentioned so far hints at this. It's hard to explain, but almost unconsciously shy guys can have the attitude that in order to get a girlfriend the world has to send them one packaged in such a way Helpful hookup advice for shy guys they won't feel anxious or have to do anything that pushes them out of their comfort zone. They Helpful hookup advice for shy guys everything will finally work out one day when they stumble into a girl who naturally likes them, who they won't have to take the initiative to talk to, who they won't have to ask out, and who has the magic combination of qualities which ensures they never feel nervous Helpful hookup advice for shy guys her.

It's also really common for shyer guys to fantasize about meeting a really forward, aggressive woman who makes all the scary moves for them. She asks him out, she kisses him first, etc. However, if a guy is really shy he may still balk in the face of someone so direct, and still blow his chance.

The idea that if they want a girlfriend they'll have to actively work on finding one, or that they'll have to Helpful hookup advice for shy guys to cope with their nervousnessisn't on the map.

Nope, they just have to meet the perfect girl under the perfect circumstances, where they'll essentially be guided along by rails the whole way with no room to screw up. They have thoughts such as: Maybe in next semester's classes I'll randomly end up sitting beside the person of my dreams", or "Maybe at my job the girl I like will be assigned to work on a project with me all day", or "Maybe this time when I go to the bar and just stand around all night a girl will walk up to me and seduce me.

When a guy is shy and inexperienced with women he usually isn't immersed in female company or the dating and hook up scene. They may also be socially inexperienced or isolated in general, because they like to keep to themselves, or since they don't have a ton of friends.

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